Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Writing Wednesday: Inadequacy and Perserverance



“The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing: isolated, neurotic, caffeine-addled, crippled by procrastination and consumed by feelings of panic, self-loathing and soul-crushing inadequacy. And that’s on a good day.”

Robert DeNiro said these words in 2014 on stage at the Oscars. He was introducing the award for best screen writing. But he could've been talking about me. 

Like most authors, I spend an inordinate amount of time sitting alone in front of my computer, drinking way too much coffee and obsessing over my imaginary friends. When my characters aren’t behaving or doing what I want them to, I procrastinate with social media as my more-than-willing partner in crime. So yes, all of what DeNiro said feels insightful on a scary soul-searching level. 

Like, oh my god, he’s REALLY talking about ME.

On the other hand, the feelings of “soul-crushing inadequacy” are the very things that make writers so introspective, analyzing the minutiae of everyday life and emotion to find what’s real and put it on paper. We search for Truth and make readers stare it in the face.

My own soul-crushing insecurities made me put off my writing dreams for twenty years. 

Like so many authors, I caught the writing bug early. In second grade I knew I wanted to write books and be the one standing at the front of the line in bookstores, smiling as I signed my name. My favorite book for years was The Girl Who Owned a City, by O.T. Nelson. Dystopian YA before they named it as a category. I wanted to write a book like that.

When I graduated college with my BA in English literature, I told my dad I wanted to write for children and teens, to inspire the same love of words and reading that had supported and comforted me through my life. He laughed and told me to find a real job.

My first "real" post-college job, entry level at a Boston advertising agency, came with computer access. I started my first real post-college novel on a floppy disc on my lunch hours. It was Bright Lights, Big City meets Brave New World. New Adult before it was even a category. I had over 80,000 soul-searching words written before a large metal stapler literally crushed my dreams by landing on the disc hidden in my desk drawer.

A computer-savvy friend retrieved some of the words – broken phrases and paragraphs from the corrupted data. Mostly little squares in rows where the words should’ve been. Soul-crushing.

I was still writing - press releases for different public relations jobs, articles for local magazines about my roommate’s comedy troupe, short stories for children’s magazines, finally landing a reporting position at the local newspaper… but every time I sat down to write my novel, I froze. The words wouldn’t come, stuck in the neverworld of computer Purgatory. Writing fiction sank to the bottom of the to-do list.

Fast forward 18 years… that same computer-savvy friend dragged me to his writing class. The other adults in the class pooh-poohed writing for teens and urged me to tackle more adult subject matter.

I did. And I got published. But. My heart remained mired in Young Adult fiction.

I finally indulged in my secret desire to write for tweens and early teens, but chose to write about mermaids before they became popular. Everyone wanted vampires. Then angels and demons. Rejection after rejection filled my inbox. “No one wants mermaids,” wrote one agent.

The third book in my mermaid series released at the end of 2017, and I've been busy promoting it this summer, with at least one event every week. I've met actual fans in person, teens who've read the first book and are eager for more and eager to talk about the characters. And it feels really, really good.

I always wanted to write YA, but kept putting it off. Listening to other people. Letting other people tell me what would be a better use of my time. I didn’t have the courage or confidence to pursue my dream until it was almost too late. 

But it’s never too late.

And it’s never too early. If you have a dream, go for it. Don’t let other people tell you what you want to do. Write what you love. Follow your dreams. Suck up those soul-crushing feelings of inadequacy and just go for it.

And keep the stapler on the other side of the room.

20 comments:

  1. So true. You gotta watch those crafty staplers! LOL Funny, yesterday must of been a writer what you feel day in blogs. I was completed write a similar type blog yesterday. Onward and upward we go! Have a great rest of your week.

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  2. I love this! I have a similar background to yours and I'm so glad we decided to pursue our dreams. Good luck with all your words!

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    1. Thanks, Jennifer, and good luck to you too! Believe in your dreams!

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  3. I simply love this journey of yours. It' sosososos relatable, esp. to me! #blessyou
    Peg

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  4. Thank you for sharing your journey. It's so inspiring. Always believe in yourself and follow your heart. You go, gal.

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  5. Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm glad you are writing what you want to write and meeting your fans! :)

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    1. Thanks, Karilyn - the meeting the fans in person thing is new to me and such a trip. Very cool experience!

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  6. Oh my God-the tragedy of the disk breaking. I feel you. Congratulations on keeping your own dreams in the forefront through all the obstacles life put in your way.

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    1. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was overcoming great "obstacles" - it's more the internal naysayer that whispers "you'll never be good enough so why bother trying" - - that's the really insidious obstacle in my life. Getting past the inner critic is sometimes the hardest journey of all.

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  7. Love your post, Katie! And I so agree--it's never too late. I need to copy your last line, also, and stick it on my desk. Oh, not the one about the stapler (altho that is fabulous advice!) The one about sucking up the feelings of inadequacy and getting on with it! Onward and upward!!

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    1. I don't think staplers pose the same threat they once did, but I'll never be too comfortable around them, lol.

      The DeNiro quote is priceless, though. Thanks for stopping by!

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  8. Awesome post, Katie. I, like you, knew I wanted to write books at an early age but other than that, I would say our life stories are quite different. However, the constant insecurities and questioning myself and wondering why I don't sell more when... Okay, you get the message. Being a writer is like being a performer without the human interaction. Usually, it's so crazy, you want to quit. Oh, did I mention that I did quit for 12 years, and then, like a stupid nit-wit, I came back for more grief.
    A stapler, really? I've had computers blow up on me without an adequate back-up. Again, what was I thinking? But a stapler? Okay, Katie, that's one for the book! (no pun intended)
    Onward and Upward!

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    1. I've never thought of being a writer as performance, but thinking now it's more like being the director, creating the scene and telling your actors what to do and say. And then standing to the sidelines while the critics tear the show apart or praise it.

      Thanks for chiming in, Hebby, and keep following your dreams!

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  9. Love the article. And I understand. I retired from my job after 20 years service writing and administering grants to return to what I love: writing books!!! Congrats. Wishing you much more success!!! Write on...

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    1. Thanks, CJ. And you too - keep doing what you love!

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  10. As a young girl I wrote, but after a nasty rejection, put away my pen for 20 years.

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    1. Don't let the turkeys get you down, as the saying goes. Write what you love.

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